Why can't you look at me, and tell me you still love me ?

What are you keeping from me ?
You're acting all weird.
You know it.
I'llbe there if anything happens.
No matter what.
But i want you to be honest with me.
Can you do that?
Do you trust me ?
Don't do things on your own.
Alrights.

Let me tell you what you are right now.
Nothing but a coward.
You don't even dare to fight for your rights.
And then?
Happiness, it doesn't fall from the sky.
And you're throwing away these precious memories.
It wasn't easy being brought together.
Confirmation camp?
Hahs.
I don't regret being with you.
I don't regret saying all those things to you.
I don't regret wanting to give my life up for you.
Because every word i said, i meant it.
Even up till now.
I asked myself.
Why do i love you?
Why do i love you like i always do?
I really want to see you.
But i'm afraid.
That those tears will start flowing again.
You've changed.
You're no longer the one i knew.
The person i knew, wouldn't hurt me.
Wouldn't bear to make me cry.
Who are you?

I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh,
everyday of my life.
I know what you are thinking.
I know you're reading this.
I don't have a web counter for nothing.
I'm really sick and tired of this okay,
If you're not tired, please.
I AM.
Stop taking me on roller-coaster rides.
Is this some kind of joke?
Be strong ? Bullshit.

I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh,

everyday of my life.

We all see that the ending is changing.

Just back from cheerleading.
I think i caught a fever.
I haven't had breakfast.
I think i'm gonna faint when i go out later.
Weak.
Cheerios,
DEL.

I LOVE YOU is 8 Letters.
But so is BULLSHIT.

I think it really applies.
I don't know why.
I'm feeling pissed off right now.
I was already going to turn in for the night.
Thought about some things,
Felt stupidly emotional.
Cried.
Did stupid things.
Then decided to wake up and blog.
I'd like to curse and swear,
But well, better not.
I'd disfigure my own blog.
Why is it so DIFFICULT to DIE.
WHY THE FCUK MAN.
I tell you, life, i'd rather not live it.
Sorry to those who are dying out there.
But if i ever could give you my life, i would.
My apologies.
Okay, I really don't get whats going on.
I'm not really interested in it though.
Probably some worthless stuff.
Received a call just now.
My spirits got a little up.
But it plunged down deeper later on.
So yeahs.
Mum wanted to torture me by rubbing Counterpain on my ankle.
Please, pain until.
If God hates me so much, why don't he let me die instead.
I won't blame him.
Since, it doesn't matter.
I won't make a difference.
Singapore has millions of people.
One won't make a bloody difference.
Dying is also a good thing.
Things that are going on now.
I don't think you bother,
so why should i care so much.
So what.
So what.
SO WHAT.
I'm breaking down.
Emotionally, physically, spiritually.
Fcuk life.
And to the 3 people i promised not to do "it".
My deepest apologies.
Im already at my limit.
I can't hold any longer.
Why the hell did i hesitate for ?
A certain someone.
Who don't bother,
Don't care,
Don't give a damn.
And don't give a fcuk to whats happening here.
So readers of th-clover-x3.BS.com.
Learnt a lesson?
Don't make someone your EVERYTHING.
Cause when they are gone,
You have NOTHING.
I hate this,
I hate this world.
I hate being alive.
I hate being alone.
Liars. Fcuk.

My ankle is hurting like shit right now.
Training and Cheerleading made it worse.
Well, alright.
Pain then die better la.

Credits to Madeleine Yeo's blog. Lol.
Interesting la !


TEN ARE YOUS
1. Are you single ? - Ah. Physically.
2. Are you happy? -Nopes.
3. Are you bored? -Somewhat yes.
4. Are you fair? -Nopes. I'm tanned.
5. Are you Italian ? -Nopes.
6. Are you intelligent? -Of course. I can think for myself. LOL~
7. Are you honest ?- Who is ?
8. Are you nice?- Hmm. If you're nice to me. Hahas.
9. Are you Irish? Nahs.
10. Are you Asian? Like, duh.

TEN FACTS
1. Full Name : -Madeline Chan ! :D
2. Nicknames : -Madel, Del, Sasuke.
3. Birth place : -KKH
4. Hair color : -Brown-black.
5. Natural hair style :- Hebe's Hairstyle.
6. Eye Color : -Black.
7. Birthday : 19th March
8. Mood : Sad, Frustrated,Emo, Moody, Indescribable.
9. Favorite color : Pinkish-Red, Lime-green.
10.One place you'd like to visit : Japan !

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
1. Have you ever been in love : Of course.
2. Do you believe in love at first sight : Thats Infatuation
3. Do you currently have a crush? Nopes.
4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally : Duh.
5. Have you ever broken someone's heart : Yeaps.
6. Have you ever had your heart broken : Hmm. Yeahs.
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them : Nopes. Hahas! ~
8. Are you afraid of commitment : Nopes.
9. Who was the last person you hugged : My darling.
10. Who was the last person you said I love you to? -My darling.

TEN THIS OR THAT
1. Love or lust? Love.
2. Hard liquor or beer? Yeaps. Nice !
3. Cats or dogs? Dogs of course.
4. A few best friends or any regular friends? A few best friends.
5. Creamy or Crunchy? - Creamy
6. Pencil or Pen? -Pencil.
7. Wild night out or romantic night in? -Romantic night in.
8. Money or Happiness: I'd say both. But of course Happiness lah !
9. Night or day? -Hmm. Day cause i have night-blindness? HAHAS.
10. IM or phone? Phone.

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
1. Been caught sneaking out? No.
2. Seen a polar bear? Yes.
3. Done something you regret? Yes.
4. Bungee jumped? No.
5. Eaten food that fell on the floor? - Eww. No.
6. Finished an entire jaw breaker? -Nopes.
7. Been caught naked? No ! -.-
8. Wanted an ex bf/gf back? -hmm...
9. Cried because you lost a pet?- Nopes. Cry for what. I no pets what. LOL.~
10. Wanted to disappear? Yes. Right NOW.

TEN PREFERENCES IN A PARTNER
1. Smile or eyes? -Smile!
2. Light or dark hair?- I don't know. Lol.
3. Hugs or kisses?- I'd go for BOTH ! :D
4. Shorter or taller? Taller.
5. Intelligence or attraction?-Both.
6. Topman or Zara? -HUH.
7. Funny or serious? Both.
8. Older or Younger? Older.
9. Outgoing or quiet? Outgoing.
10. Sweet or Bad? What do you mean by BAD. -.-

TEN HAVE YOUS
1. Ever performed in front of a large crowd? Yes.
2. Ever talked on the phone for longer than an hour? Yes.
3. Ever tried walking on your hands? -Nopes.
4. Ever been to a rock concert? - Not interested.
5. Ever been on a cheerleading team? -YES !
6. Ever been on a dance team? -Somewhat yes.
7. Ever been on a sports team? - Hmm. I think no.
8. Ever been in a drama play/production? -Yes. Primary school la !
9. Ever owned a BMW, Mercedes Benz, Escalade, Hummer or Bentley? -Nopes.
10. Ever been in a rap video?-Hell no.

TEN... LASTS
1. Last phone call you made : Mummy
2. Last person you hugged : Darling.
3. Last person you hung out with : Cousins
4. Last time you worked : Never in my life.
5. Last person you talked to : NPCC people.
6. Last person you IM'd : MSN rather, Gwen
7. Last person you texted : Empireshop
8. Last person(s) you went to the movies with : Cousins
9. Last person/thing you missed : My darling. And Cheerleading !
10. Last website visited : www.th-clover-x3.blogspot.com




Cheerios !
Del.

Darling, i'll love you no matter what alright.
Bet on it.

I really don't know what to say.
I'm 15 already for Heaven's sake.
I'm not a kid anymore.
Moreover, please don't take me as one,
or treat me as one.
I can think for my own.
I have my own life.
I'm mature enough.
Please don't judge me by my appearance.
I may be small in size,
But please.
My attitude and character can overpower you alone.
I bet.
I'm not trying to be rude,
But i don't believe in being held down by decision makers.
I also don't believe in doing things against my will.
Cause that will never work.
But what to do?
Parents are the decision makers of relationships what.
I can't say much.
But i can say,
I'm fcking pissed off right now.
I'm serious.
Don't mess with my life.

So much for my happy ending.

Looks like the best thing that happened this week was.
My mum got me an adidas watch,
thats all.
Only shopping made me happy.
No life.

Why can't we just start over again,
Get things back to the way it was?
Why couldn't we decide?
Why must others decide for us ?
I don't understand.

I'd like to say I'm okay.
But I'm not.
I'd like to say i understand.
But i can't.
I'd like to say I'll accept things the way they are now.
But i won't.
I'd like to say I'll be strong.
But I'm not.
I'd like to die right now.
But god won't let me.
I'd like you to hold me and tell me this is all a dream,
But it won't happen.
Because, this is all reality.
Just that i can't face up to it.
I'd like to say i won't cry no matter what,
But why are these tears coming out?
I'd like to say i want you by my side always.
But its impossible.
The you who promised me not to leave me alone,
left.
"I love you".
These 3 simple words, won't exist anymore.
"I miss you" .
Won't be missed anymore.
Because, no matter " i love you" or " i miss you".
It doesn't matter anymore.
Maybe i was too naive.
"I love you", three simple words that anyone can say freely.
Without even meaning it.
Truth or lies,
I can't differentiate anymore.
My heart, is aching.
i've learnt something.
Nothing lasts forever.
Cause even forever,
Don't seem like long enough.
Well, they say.
You can't lose what you never had.
I guess its true.
You were never mine to begin with right?
Doubt and trust,
Which will it be?
I feel so..
Deceived, by god.
Thanks for taking me on a roller-coaster ride.
Thank you.
Thank you for doing this to me.
Thank you.
Thank you for hurting me over and over again.
THANK YOU.
I guess that's your Job.
Some Christmas this is.
This is so fcking unfair.
Seriously.

Sorry for lying, Clar.

I'm alright, i guess.

I don't understand. Neither will i .

慢慢失忆
所有和你的事情必须忘记
爱的盆地
深怕在一滴眼泪就会决堤
我也不想被你肯定
在这个时候
说我让你感动过
别握住我的手
说我一定会懂
作不成的爱人变成最好朋友
别牵著我的手
想著别人脸孔
换个方式牵手并不会更好过
可不可以不作你的朋友
慢慢心痛
没有人发现我和从前不同
你的眼中
看得见另一个人给的感动
我也不要你心疼我
在这个时候
对我比从前温柔
应该放晴的天气
还下雨
别这样下去
我难过但是说不出口
一直逃避我以为闭上眼睛
就能忘记
我的记忆
开始在雨天的七月二十三
慢慢经过
我们一起绕过的十字街头
怎么走都走不到尽头
可不可以别回头
可不可以就放手
可不可以不作你的朋友?

God brought us together,
and yet, he separated us.

I knew it.
But, why us ?

Let me die.

Bye bye world.

26 December 2008.

I sprained my foot.
Damn.
Monday still got NP.
I'm so dead please.
Anyway.
I wonder what's gonna happen now.
From here on.
I'm quite disturbed,
So i drank some 40% alcohol.
Super shiok can.
I'm not drunk.
I swear.
But i felt my liver burning so i stopped drinking.
Weak laa.
Hope mummy's gonna get my my adidas watch :D
For my early birthday present .
Woohoo ~
I feel like screaming.
Haiz.
Shit.

And i wonder,

Whether you were thinking of me this moment.

I guess not.

I miss Honey.
Hope he's alright.
):

so tired. Off to bed.
Merry x' mas everyone :D

Cheerios ~

Darling's at Batam.
Aww. I miss him already.
Hope he reached Batam safe and sound.
Not going for NP tmr.
Having Christmas party,
so i have to cook.
LOL.
So tired. Haiz.
Hope Darling comes back soon.
Hahas.
Merry 'X mas people ! :D
Cheerios.

Alrights.
Basically, nothing ,much happened.
I'll update about friday's training.
Had PT, and then punishment.
Did 120 excluding the 100 plus we owe.
50 pumpings, 20 crunches, 10 laps, 10 starjumps,
20 jumping jets, and 10 idk what.
Whew !
Almost died. LOL~
And got sunburnt too.
But, finally ! The week of training is over.
But there's more next week.
Went for Project J.
though i was quite tired.
But who cares ! :D
Yesterday was tiring.
Went to Vivo City today.
Actually wanted to buy Christmas presents.
But in the end walked around and ended up buying groceries.
Hahas. Well..
Feeling sleepyy.
Hmm.. One more day before Honey's trip.
I'm soo gonna miss him.
):
sadsadsadsadsadsad ! ~
Haiz.
I miss youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Bonjour people! :D
Okay. First off.
NP was really tiring yesterday.
I almost died.
With the GOH training, PT and Cheerleading.
Whew!
I feel like my heart is getting weaker by day.
Oh well. Who cares! :D
Anyway. Tomorrow's sec one orientation.
Wonder what's gonna happen ._.
Hahas.
Anyway. Had a super long and tiring day today.
Went to Simei early morning.
In the end i don't even know why i went there for.
Wasted my time please.
N' level results today! :D
So glad Honey's results were good.
Thank God. LOL.
Okay, after i went to Simei,
went to meet Honey after he collected his results.
So practically spent one hour waiting at Serangoon station.
Considered today as "one day" spent with Honey.
Was super happy to be able to see him today.
Cos' of NP and stuff, was unable to.
):
Probably won't be able to see him till Next year.
Aww man.
I'll miss him like shit please.
He's going on a trip next tues.
Hopefully i can send him off. Hahas!
Wishful thinking. *
Hmm. Anyways, my whole body is aching like hell.
Stupid PT ! ~
Hopefully, i still can pull through the stunts tmr.
Aww this sucks, BIG TIME.
Anyway, something "suay" happened to me yesterday.
My finger kenna stepped on while doing pumping.
Kns. Pain please! Bleeding okay ! T.T
Okay !
Anyway. Nothing to blog about.
So, Cheerios~

Boo ! :D
Ah. I found a few lines of the song 白色风车 by Jay Chou quite meaningful.
Hmm.
Here it is :

我陪你走到最后
能不能不要回头?
你紧紧地抱住我
说你不需要承诺
你说我若一个人会比较自由

会不会手牵着手?
晚一点才到尽头


Hmm. Maybe it doesn't really apply but yeah.
Hahas.
I'll update the recent events on a separate post.

Bonjour people !
Sorry for not updating.
Not much happenings.
Edited a photo, damn nice please!
BUT. I won't show it to you guys~
*evil laughsss*
Anyway!
NPCC training began after the 3 weeks hiatus.
Well, have to wake up early again.
So yeaps. I'm dead.
You'll see me practically running to school.
Anyway.
Yesterday night, i couldn't sleep.
I was afraid.
Hmm.
Alrights. Anyway.
I think i'm gonna get diarrhoea man.
My stomach is so damn pain please.
T.T Must be the crab.
Oh god.
Almost fainted in the toilet while bathing.
Just felt so friggin' dizzy._.
Hope i'll be able to make it for NP tmr.
):

Just when i found you,

I'll have to lose you,

Sooner or later.

I cannot cry,

Because i know that's weakness in your eyes.

HAPPY ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY HONEY!

I LOVE YOU. <3

Just a nice song i'd like to share. Enjoy!

Title :. Till The End

All these precious moments

With you by my side

Must be a gift from heaven

that's holding me all right

I don't know how I found you

I'm thankful that I have

Now that I have a love so true

To hold to keep to share

In my heart I can no longer hold inside

All of the love I used to hide

I'll always be with you until the very end

In this world there is no place I'd rather be

You are my life my soul my girl

And through it all

I know you're come to see

that you're the one

till the end

All my friends around me

Say you'd be gone too soon

Baby i'm gonna make then see

We've found our way back home

We'll always be

till the end

Mummy's Birthday card ! :D

Alrights. Its like 3.39am now.

I spent about 2 hours doing mummy's birthday card.

So tiring, but worth it, hahas.

And Honey's in Server's camp.

Wonder how he's doing now..

Hmm.. Worried la.

Hahas.

Hope he doesn't indulge himself on coke or pepsi.

So sleepy.

But i can't sleep.

I miss Honey like hell please.

Urgh.

Hope Nick is taking care of him. :D

Hahas.

Aww. 3 days without Honey.

Though we went for breakfast in the morning,

I still miss him. T.T

Naruto takes freaking long to come out one ep.

So i've been watching Bleach for the time being.

Ahhh. Shippuden movie 2 PLEASE COME OUT!

Aww. This suck.

Hahas. :D

I have an unfavourable feeling.

That something bad is going to happen.

Haiz. God.

Help please ? Onegai.

Hope that everything will be alright.

):

I miss Honey.

In this post,
I'd like to thank God.
Well, something sorta happened.
Woah, i was crying like shit.
And praying damn hard.
I'm not going to tell you guys the content of what i prayed about.
I only know it came true.
Except for some part la.
Thank you Nick! :D
Hahas. At least my prayer has been heard.
So yeaps.
Honey is alright, for now.
Haiz.
I don't know what to do.
):

And i prayed.

I love you Honey, i swear.

Bonjour people :D
Sorry for not updating for about 2 days or so.
I'll just update about today.
Went to Somerset, then to Orchard.
And then to Bishan.
Just to buy my confirmation dress and shoes.
And the price of the dress is about 70 bucks.
The price of my shoes was about 40 bucks.
God.
Seriously, i don't know why.
Hahas, i looked into the mirror.
And i thought, corpse bride. -.-
HAHAS~~
Okay la. Maybe not That bad~
Alrights. Ate at Cafe' Cartel.
So full please.
Oh my gawd.
Anyway, Honey told me some news.
Well, I'm not taking it well.
Based on my character,
I'll only think negatively.
I'm afraid.
Afraid that i'll wake up alone.
):

Bonjour people ! :D
I'm back from Genting Cum KL.
Its a not-so-fun trip.
But, i had fun with my cousin and sista.
Hmm.
Basically, we didn't visit the themepark.
Went to KTV 3 times.
Incredible right?
Thats why i'm down with a flu.
Anyway.
Missed Honey much! :D
Went Bowling about almost every single day.
Addicted to it.
Hahas. Spent about 500 rm.
Went shopping like everyday.
Being the shopping queen i was.
Lol. ~
Anyway, yesterday landed about 8.30 or so.
I forgot.
But yeahs, i text Honey the moment the plane landed. (:
My throat is super sore.
Due to KTV for a total of 9 hours.
And was so disappointed that i didn't get to shop at Chinatown.
And Times-square. ):
I sacrificed my shopping for KTV. ~
Argh.
Anyway, I have not even touched my holiday assignments.
Hahas, well, who cares.
I'll do it later ~
Lol. Alrighty, gonna catch up on my anime.
Ciaos!~

I love you Honey ! (:

Oh my gawd please.
I'm at Genting's lan shop.
Hahas. I'm itching to blog, thats why.
Okay, it has only been a day or so.
And i'm starting to miss Honey like hell.
Awww.
Hope he's alright, i guess.
Okay, anyway.
Didn't visit the theme park.
Just sat flying coaster.
And Honey, i brought flu with me :D
Everywhere i went. I swear! ~
Hahas, bought a lot of things luh.
Spent 300 bucks in 2 days.
Incredible.
Aww, what to do, Genting's my shopping paradise.
Hahas!~
Anyway, I miss Honey sooo much.
10x infinity + 1.
And and. Flu misses you too :D
Hahas! He actually went Shopping, KTV,
and wherever except toilet with me.
Hahas! What to do.
Haiz.
Okays, i'm off ~

I miss you honey,

And i love you ! ~